Tuesday, December 2, 2008,
Was tidyin my thing for the past few days , OMG alots of rubbish los ...
Haiz ... half way tidyin , saw the box that i keep all my letters , birthday cards , pictures with frens and many memory things in it , so haha just open it up and see again los ... haiz ..
but i shouldn't have did that .... cos make me feel the pain again ...
I totally forgotten that the diary that i have record down things bout HIM de was inside , saw that diary again , omg some photo inside , pictures that we taken when we just noe one another , picture which i think we are just good frens , pictures that i still have not started to LIKE HIM ...
Than everything that he accused me , scolded me , insulted me ... everything just came back automactically ...
I thought LIKE HIM is a beautiful things that happened , but after all the thing that happened , seriously say , i can nv trust again , nor love neither many years frens ... ... ...
HAH this incident really gave me a big impact of my decision and thinkin , firstly i started to hate myself at the beginning , than cry to myself thinkin that no one can be trusted again , unable to find anything that can really make me laugh or smile from MY HEART ... It seriously showed that my HEART is totally dead with no feelin ..
THAT DIARY , i just read till half , hummp i think not even half than i CLOSE IT ... i dun wanna to continue ...
Went to sleep that nite , but wake up cryin ... ... ... dream of him , dream of the way that he accusin me , dream of the way he scolded me , dream of the look when he walked away , dream of ... ... ... ... the way he has HURT me ....
I'm cryin , i should'nt has occured all this , it just so PAIN ... very PAINFUL ....
I hate the feelin of waking up cryin ... really ...
You noe, sometime i was thinkin ... ... ...
When i walkin half way , a flower pot drop and hit on my head ... than i forget everything , include him ...
OR
I was seriously been hurt on my head , than i forget everything when i wake up .... include him ...
This may sound stupid but , i really thought of doin that ...
It would'nt be so PAIN , IF I CAN'T REMEMBER ...
Although ... ...
I LOOK AWAY when he sendin msg to any of his GALS FREN ...
I WALK AWAY when he talkin to any of his GALS FREN ...
I LISTEN TO MUSIC , on it loud , when he talkin on phone with any of his GALS FREN ...
I CLOSE MY EYES when he playin with any of his GALS FREN ...
IT MEAN ...
I pretend to SEE NOTHING , HEAR NOTHING , SENSE NOTHING ....
But seriously , I did everything of this when i'm with him ... ... ...
STUPID !!!
YA i noe i'm stupid , a normal person who can hear and see but pretended to lose it function on lookin and hearin ... ...
But wat can i do , at least doin all this make me feel better ... ... ...
He dun love me , so no matter wat i do for him , he'll nv see , nv feel nor nv love me ... ...
sorry that i'm was stupid in handling my relationship ... but i still dunno why i can really help other to solve relationship problem but not mine ....
But i really dunno why ... so many years ...
he nv really take a look at me at all ... NEVER
is it that i'm not good enough ???
or not pretty enough ???
i should find someone hu love me ....
but it seem that , no matter how well the other guys treat me , i just feel nothing for them , really ....
Or izzit that i only want him to love and adore me ...
I dunno wat i want ... cos i noe he will nv Love me ... ... ... ...
